I am sad. I am angry. I am angry I am sad.

My family is broken for reasons we can’t control and I am angry and I am sad! I am angry that my nephews have been forced to live a life of uncertainty, I am angry that my brother and sister-in-law have been forced to carry a load they should not have to bare. I am sad that it’s too hard to talk about, I am sad I feel I can’t talk at all!

I am sad. I am angry. I am angry THEY are sad.

I am angry that I feel guilty about the question ‘why?’ And I am sad that I feel guilty of the happiness with MY kids! I want to SCREAM! I am sad that I feel when I gained two beautiful nephews, I lost a brother and sister, and I am angry that I can no longer see their light.

I am sad. I am angry. I am angry WE are sad.

I am sad that the tears that stream down my face are NOTHING compared to their

tears. I am sad that my parents don’t know what to say. I am angry most of the time nothing is said at all! I am sad and I am angry because I LONG for relationship that may never be. I am sad that my faith seems weak. I am angry that their faith is being tested. I am angry and I am sad because I fear we all may fail! I am sad that I feel guilty for showing my heart and I am angry that I feel this way ALL THE TIME! I am angry that there is nothing I can do. I am sad that there is nothing I can say. 

God is sad. God is angry. God is angry we are sad.

God is angry when things happen to His children because of the sin in this world and God is sad when He has to let it be so His power can be shown. God is angry when I don’t long for relationship with HIM the way I long for it with THEM. God is angry because He loves us so. God is sad when circumstances prevent us from trusting in His love.

Though I am angry and sad,

Though WE are angry and sad,

Though HE is angry and sad,

Even when we don’t allow ourselves to see or feel it,

NOTHING can separate us from His love. 

It’s been awhile since my last post…honestly, I think I put too much pressure on myself to create & stay confined within a box everyday…I’ve decided to change it up…While I think the daily themes are cute, I don’t have enough content to keep them consistent. So I’ve been thinking…I think I’ll use this more as a journal. I realize that will probably make me lose at least half my readers…so see all 2 of you later…yeah, that’s probably about right. But I’m realizing I need an outlet. I still don’t have many ‘close’ friends here…though it’s nice to be able to say ‘hi’ to many…there’s not much beyond that yet. So I write in replace of talking to friends…

                  I had an epiphany the other day…I realized that at least 3 times a week I have these huge monologues that I present to myself mentally. I’m not ashamed to admit this because I like to think that I’m not the only one that does this & my husband confirmed that he does, in fact, do the same thing; though admittedly some would say we are both a little crazy. My most recent monologue happened as I was getting ‘ready’ to leave the house one afternoon, which consisted of a shower (shocking to my husband!) and full hair/makeup & getting ‘dressed up.’ So the monologue went a little something like this….

                Though I do love my life, I probably live in a fantasy world more than I should. But it takes the monotony out of the day. Like instead of waking up from my 3 yr old and getting his breakfast and getting the baby up and changing her and feeding her, and then staying at home doing various domestic things while I pretend like I’m not letting my son watch too much tv/play too many video games; I’m on a tour bus with Josh Groban where he lets me sing back up on the songs I love and when I’m not singing back up, I’m sitting backstage, beaming, knowing that every song he’s singing is meant for me. OR I finally tweet something that catches Zachary Levi’s attention & he realizes how hilarious & awesome I am & decides he can not let another day go by without meeting me & we play video games and eat ice cream and sing the Tangled theme song together. OR Nathan Fillion…….and so it continues. I don’t feel guilty about this and I wonder if I should. It’s not that my life isn’t good enough…I love my husband & my kids mean the world to me, so I know that I would never do anything to put that at risk. But most of the time I just genuinely think I’m so awesome that they really would want to be my friend…

                And that is where I realized my monologue was taking somewhat of a pitiful turn…that makes me sound pathetic & sad & yes, crazy…BUT such is my life. Honestly I think this move has made me embrace my crazy. I’m not afraid to be myself & being put into the position of starting over, gives me the freedom to be me & for those who I encounter to see me without pretense…

               Until the next mental monologue, I’m sticking to the FACT that I am awesome and Josh Groban, Zachary Levi, & Nathan Fillion’s lives…& I could think of a hundred others…would, in deed, be richer if they knew of my said awesomeness!

ADDENDUM: After thinking about this post for a few minutes…I’m considering the possibility of my psychologist uncle reading this & then telling me I’ve had a complete break in reality…so here’s the reality: SOMETIMES I really do think I’m awesome, & people have said that about me which may give the impression of arrogance…but most of the time, I’m completely insecure…so yeah, ‘crazy’ about sums it up! 

Sorry it’s been so long, but I’m finally a bit settled and trying to get back in the swing of this blog thing!

So my son is diving me up the wall. I think there is a teenage girl trapped in his little boy body. His moodiness is astounding and he melts down at the slightest thing. But then he does things like…as I’m helping him change for the pool he says, ‘Mommy I’m going to pray for your arms…Dear Jesus thank you for mommy’s arms and please take her boo boos away. Amen.’

SERIOUSLY???!!!! Where did this kid come from? And then he just sweetly gave me a hug and said, ‘Mommy, I would marry you.’ This is also the kid that walked in a little while ago from playing outside and said, very adamantly to me, ‘Mommy, I said to myself as I was coming in: I want what I want, and then I said twice, I deserve what I want and that’s the way it is!’ So when I asked him what he thought he ‘deserved,’ he said, ‘you know, snacks and toys and anything that I can think of that I want!’

You see what I mean?! Teenage girl! But oh how I love him…how could I not! 

More specifically the combination of a computer (with a camera), the internet, and gmail video chat. That has been the main thing keeping us going during the last 6 weeks of our families separation. It’s amazing to me that we can hop on the computer and see each other though we are half way across the country! But today the necessity will end between our little family and start for our big family! This will also keep us going while separated from family and close friends! Please pray for us today as begin our 3 day drive to Texas!

No new Week In a Minute today since we haven’t been together to record one…but here’s one of our favorite oldies of Micah for your enjoyment.

I realize I’m getting away from Awareness Wednesday today: however after watching Glee last night I was reminded of this song and thought it would be a good carry over from yesterdays post…

Today’s post is dedicated to those who have meant so much to me the past 6.5yrs.

Thank you to my Eastgate family for allowing me to be myself while growing more than I ever have in my faith. Your acceptance and love and support of all individuals who walk through the door, is inspiring and has challenged me to look more on the inside than the outside of those I meet. The depth of teaching has encouraged me to ask questions and seek answers, allowing me to see more clearly the ‘heart of God.’ Rob and Robbie Woodrum, you are an example of a marriage that I strive to emulate and your unconditional love for your kids makes me long to love mine even more!  It was God that lead us through your doors and it’s God that is leading us out.

I love you.

To the many friends I’ve met along my Panama City journey, I have been blessed beyond measure by each and every one of you.

(Crap! I knew I shouldn’t do this! Now the tears are really flowing!)

To my core girls, (you know who you are!) you are more than my friends, you are my sisters and I love you and your kids like they’re my family! I will not say goodbye, only ‘See you later’ for you are all too important to me for goodbyes! Your kids have been Micah’s first friends and therefore will always be cherished and remembered! I’m sorry I haven’t always been good with ‘serious’ words, it’s easier at times to hide behind ‘humor,’ but each one of you has taught me so much. Thank you for your love and acceptance despite, and sometimes because, of my flaws. I long for the day I am able to look at myself the way you look at me.

I love you.

To my parents, you are the hardest to leave. I’m sorry for taking my kids away from you, I know at this point they’re much more important than me! =) I am so glad to have been here and had your support during the time I became a ‘mom.’ Loving them has allowed me to understand how you love me, and seeing you love them…there are no words to describe how grateful I am to be blessed by you. I don’t say this enough but,

I love you!

And now that the above has been said, and tears have been shed: it’s finally real. I’m leaving. It is bittersweet as it’s hard to change but the Bryson family will be back together again, and it’s time. Midland, you better watch out…because with Dustin as our leader, the Bryson’s are about to rule you! 

Movie Madness Monday: Didn’t see a movie this weekend…but here’s an awesome short of my husband and son!

This isn’t so much ‘silly’ as it’s just ‘good practice’ every now and again:

TAKE YOUR KIDS OUT FOR ICE CREAM!

I’m going to take Micah to McDonald’s after dinner for a cheapy cone and some 1:1 time (since Eliana’s) not old enough for ice cream yet!

Last week I told you about my love of Starbucks Nonfat Peppermint Mocha and how I only allow myself one a week…Today’s favorite thing is what I use the other 6 days!!! This used to be a seasonal flavor but they released it permanently this year and I was so excited!

Click the link below and scroll down to find some coupons!

http://www.coffee-mate.com/Offers/Default.aspx